Hi S. Gerry and Nicholas,
First up, I can't see your names on my screen without highlighting them, as they're hidden behind the artwork on my tiny screen.
You guys are really reaching and, in many cases, you've got there, and in others, it's clearly developing fast.
However... and please don't be upset with me giving actual criticisms (if your work wasn't this good already, I probably wouldn't bother
).
Try to loosen up the figure of the main girl a bit. If you've got someone who can model for some sketches it might help - clothes and all, the wrinkles, the weight and movement of the figure, and her facial expressions. Most importantly try to keep her proportions - head/body ratio, limb length - as consistent as possible. It ain't easy, but the eye quickly rejects the authenticity of even slightly inconsistent figures. This girl needs to be more relaxed in her postures
.
A mirror is always good when doing facial expressions - animators swear by this approach!
What I like is that you're experimenting! The sense of place is fantastic - I love those loosely drawn, but sufficiently detailed, buildings and architectural settings - truly evocative. Make sure you keep the figures obeying the same rules as the perspectives, such as on page 10 - her body is almost straight up and down when compared to the lines of the buildings, rather than following them to the disappearing point.
Vary your distance, medium and closeup shots on the page. For the most part, this is pretty good, but the second panel on the inside cover falls particularly flat, even though I kind of get what you're trying to do with the white space.
Some solid blacks won't hurt either.
Don't always go for almond shaped eyes, as they go round and differ from each other considerably at three-quarter face. You can't spend too much effort on getting eyes just right - they're everything to the onpage "life" of characters, in my opinion.
I agree with Andrei about the font. Lettering has to be consistent with the linework in the art, and this is small and annoying. Also, don't use Capital 'I's that have a top and bottom on them when they're within the word, only for the word "I" in self-reference - this might mean using lower-case, even though it's appearing as upper-case, if you get what I mean.
The writing is sound, nicely balanced between character and plot driven passages and I like that there's room for the illustrator to really breath. This is all clearly establishing stuff so far, and it's easy to relate to this character.
All in all, it's authentic, it's interesting and it's likeable. Don't get caught up in trying too much to emulate other work that you love, because this story is already heading in its own direction, and it'd be awful if that got bogged down with it becoming overly derivative of something else.
Really nice work - keep doing it!
Cheers,
Ian T.
