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The Pulp Faction • View topic - New intro for The List - crits encouraged.

New intro for The List - crits encouraged.

Talk about writing for comics and other outlets.

Re: New intro for The List - crits encouraged.

Postby JasonFranks on Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:00 pm

H Paul,

Only just saw this; I have been avoiding PF. Sorry I am late to the party.

I have two things to say:

Firstly, I think the 'what the fuck' is actually quite an attractive quality of the book. The real problem is paying it off. It's fine if the reader has to work to figure out what is going on with just the bare minimum of information... so long as they get that bare minimum, which appears to be the problem here.

Aside from spelling out the commandments, I didn't find very much new information from your new intro.

I think that Anomic's idea is an excellent one, and it might also be very easy on Henry. Perhaps you could add a few supplemental documents to the book, giving narrowly-focussed bits of information about various events or aspects of the story. Newspaper articles, obituaries, a family tree, classified, letters, etc. Text pages, which, as an added bonus, do not require a lot of illustration. I reckon one or two per volume, tops. Maybe start the first volume with the scroll showing the 13 commandments--that way we get some payoff as we see The Son carrying them out, and then a bigger payoff when we eventually get see the angel with the scroll.

-- JF
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Re: New intro for The List - crits encouraged.

Postby Paul Bedford on Sat Dec 04, 2010 8:00 am

Ok, so I got up this morning and finished up a new attempt at the Intro. I am contemplating epistolary inserts, but nothing has grabbed me yet. I'll keep nutting away at that until something clicks, but until then the bloody thing still needs an intro - just some short basic set up. I am not saying that the below is the be all and end all by any means, so please let me know what you think of it. You guys have been most generous with your time and advice, but dont bloody stop now! ;)

The woman who puts up with me thinks it's better than the previous effort, but still a little ambiguous, but I gotsta tells ya, it's tough to not be without: giving too much away/make it seem tacked on/give too little away/making it didactic. I like this one becuase it is all image, no words and I think the silence is a good lead in - but does it do its job? Well, you tell me, you're the reader:

The List. Paul Bedford.

PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1.
Top View: of the Son’s typical suburban house.

Panel 2. The Father, Mother and Son all kneeling at the foot of the bed. Their heads and eyes are raised as if they are looking at someone standing on the bed (OP). They have looks of awe across their faces.

Panel 3. Close: The Angel’s hand holding a rolled up scroll.

Panel 4. Close: The Angel’s other hand pointing at the Mother (OP).

Panel 5. The Mother’s now laying atop the bed in a Jesus Christ pose, ala the Cover for Volume III. To her either side are the Son and Father, each with knives held aloft, ready to strike down on her.


The List. Paul Bedford.

PAGE TWO ( panels)

Panel 1.
The blood splattered, expressionless face of the Father looking up at the Angel (OP).

Panel 2. The Angel’s upturned hand offering the furled parchment to the awed Father (the scroll balances atop the Angel’s hand.

Panel 3. The Father reaches for the scroll in a very tentative manner: as if reaching out to touch something he is not quite convinced exists.

Panel 4. Side View: The Father walking from the room with the scroll set atop his upturned, raised hands – as one would carry an object deserved of great reference. (Henry: see Volume 1 where the Son carries the knives for reference). The Son follows behind the Father with his hands clasped before him and his head bowed slightly.

Panel 5. OTS of The Son as he watches his Father (at the far end of the hall) stepping out of the front door into the night.

The List. Paul Bedford.

PAGE THREE (zero panels: chapter break)


THE FIRST PASSING OF THE BIRTHRIGHT
Seek the Wolf in thyself!

the-list.com.au
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Re: New intro for The List - crits encouraged.

Postby Laocorn on Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:20 pm

What exactly are you trying to convey with this tho Paul?

Establishment of what the List is (In which case it doesn't really do that)? That there is a List (Not necessary given the title and how often it's referred to IMO)? Or that there actually is something higher-up looking down on them? (the latter of which underpins the "is it real or not" trend that follows through both of the books I've got)

If I remember correctly the Son follows the List as handed to him by his father, but do we ever actually see what the Father had done with the list prior? Setting up the horror that it entails?

What about the possibility of following the Father's actions leading up to his handover of the List to the son? Providing the establishing level of how far down the rabbit hole it can cause them to go, then let the readers come to the realisation of what is occuring as they follow the Son's journey?

I know you've followed a more staggered writing style with it, and the way the plot unravels isn't to a typical setup, but if your reasoning for the prologue is for some kind of setup to the story to ease the reader into the world ("ease" heh...), then it needs to be something that establishes the key elements of the story to brought back into play later on, in which case I'd suggest the Father's sealing of his fate and how the Son's either does truly follow in his footsteps, or in the end doesn't.

Or I could be completely off the mark. I need another Coffee and to get back to my own musings...
"The Best Way to be Remembered is to Have a Life Worth Remembering" - Bruce Lee.

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Re: New intro for The List - crits encouraged.

Postby Tom on Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:07 pm

Really I don't think you need an intro. Why do you think you need one? I'd wait until you have vol 3 finished and can read the whole thing in one go and see what you think. I reckon the intro can work but you'll need an outro.
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Re: New intro for The List - crits encouraged.

Postby Anomic on Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:33 am

Action reveals character
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Re: New intro for The List - crits encouraged.

Postby bluetoaster on Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:05 am

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Re: New intro for The List - crits encouraged.

Postby Paul Bedford on Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:12 am

Seek the Wolf in thyself!

the-list.com.au
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